Anger is a universal emotion, designed to give us much-needed information. There are many helpful ways to think about this common emotion; one stands out to me today. Facilitating a support group whose focus was 'Exploring Anger’ last Fall, we discussed how anger can be an indication that one of your boundaries is being tested or violated.

Are you feeling anger (or it’s other faces: frustration, resentment, and hatred)?

What events have preceded the feeling? How does the anger feel? Where is it? What does it tell you about your needs? If the anger wants something, is that thing a boundary? Is the boundary within yourself, or within a relationship with someone else?

If you have taken an action, like setting a boundary, check back in with yourself. How do you feel now?

1. Acknowledge your loved one's feelings, whatever they are, and do the same for you. If they are scared and feeling alone, name those emotions. When you can, reflect on your own emotional response. Refrain from sharing this right away with the survivor, unless you're sure it will increase how connected they feel to you.

2. Slow down. Rushing into problem-solving mode and suggestions can increase anxiety for a survivor and for you. If you have suggestions as to what to do, especially really important timely steps such as seeking medical help, make your suggestions in a calm manner, once your loved one has finished sharing.

3. Think about consent as you support your loved one. What they have survived may be creating a narrative in their mind about how little choice or power they have. Supporting them after assault ideally means providing them with as much choice as possible. Ask, rather than suggest, steps. Also take note of your choices in supporting them. What can you take on? If you yourself are a trauma-survivor, or are dealing with a heavy load in life, make sure you're consenting to the help you're trying to offer.

4. Emphasise self-care, for yourself and for your loved one. A large part of recovery is dependent on the types of choices that can be made around wellness. What's realistic for them? Calling a crisis line once a day? Seeing a counsellor? Having an extra-long shower after the kids are asleep? Whatever helps a person to feel calm and soothed is responding to the body's nervous system and is very positive for long-term healing. And for you too, what can you do to increase your feeling of resiliency?

Note: If an assault has been recent, funding for counselling and some personal items may be available from the Ministry of Justice. Ask me about how to access this program.

I hope some of these suggestions help you to feel equipped to be a caring and respectful helper. Remember, if you burn out you simply cannot help anyone (and if you do, self-care, self-care, self-care!).

Sometimes certain themes come up in my life, one that has recently repeated is the theme of the relationship between 'who I am and who others think I am.' In particular, how other peoples' behaviour influences the receiving person's identity.

When we think about the type of person we are, we often use our name, our gender, our age, our profession, who our family is, and we name our geographical location. We say if we're partnered or not, parenting or not, where we went to school (or dropped out), how we relax and recreate, maybe the purpose we've identified for our life. Our greatest challenge. We talk about values, dreams, longings, nightmares. Identity is dynamic, layered and rich. Totally subjective, which is part of the intensity of the human experience.

I encounter wonderful people. Each one of my clients is a unique treasure, a being whose world I get to enter for a time. I have noticed that some of my clients experience a low-level suffering in their daily lives, which undermines their decision-making, their empowerment, their self-love, and their identity. I want to name this as 'taking how you're treated as a reflection of who you are.'

A fictional vignette: A young woman, widely skilled and educated, cannot find full-time work. She goes to WorkBC religiously for employment counselling, she wakes up every morning at 6 am to exercise and go online to apply for jobs. This goes on for six months, and she is called for interviews, but is not offered a position. The woman is frustrated, impatient, and frankly feels like she is going crazy. She has no savings, and is living in credit. She's afraid she won't make ends meet ever again.

After the sixth month of this hamster-wheel she starts to believe she isn't hirable. No one is hiring her. Other people have jobs. There is something wrong with her approach, and it is all she can do to continue applying for jobs. She walks around her community feeling vulnerable, as if people can tell her bad she is inside.

The world can be hard as hell. We have experiences which are very challenging to survive. And often there is an emotional impact when we're pushed to our edges. The woman above started feeling bad about who she is as a person, because the mirror the world seems to be showing her is that she is incompetent. But the truth is, she's not.

In this woman's case, she is living in an area where the labour economy is insufficient ot meet her needs.

Has this happened in your lifetime? Whether it is your sense of the world, or how people close to you behave towards you, has your identity been impacted by how you're treated?

What profound challenges you have with decision-making, empowerment, self-love and identity, and how have those challenges been informed by what's going on around you

What qualities about you can you identify that come from inside you instead?