I cannot remember a time in my life when feelings of insecurity have not come up in conversation.

As a young woman, my peers would often talk openly about things they badly wanted: a slender body, even skin, smaller nose, and on. This expression of insecurity about one's own appearance is so normal.

Other topics reveal one's insecurities: "If I speak up will the person I care about dismiss me? Will I lose their esteem?" This could be termed insecurity of connection/relationship.

More recent conversations may sound familiar:

"She said she wanted to hang out this weekend and I haven't heard from her. Should I send another text? She didn't respond to the last one for two days. Why do I feel so crazy? She's probably thinking I'm an idiot." Feeling insecure in a relationship, and of one's self-worth.

And a final example: "I want to spend time with this person I know who is brilliantly smart, will they notice I am less brilliant? Can I hide the dull parts of myself?" This could be termed insecurity in one's wisdom and again self-worth.

Insecurity is painful. Many people feel pain or muscle tension physically when they have feelings of insecurity. Additional feelings of self-loathing, sadness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, grief, anger, and low self-worth, as seen above, can accompany insecurity.

Learning about the challenge and the solution can clarify the path to feeling secure, and be motivating.

Here is an approach I like:

When you feel insecure, still yourself, and tune into that feeling.
Give yourself a quiet moment to do a history-taking of this feeling.

• Investigate the context: When do you first remember this type of insecure feeling? What was going on at that time? How did you cope? Were there accompanying feelings?
• Think about other, subsequent experiences with this insecurity. What was happening for you then? How did you cope then? Were there accompanying feelings?
• Are there other insecure feelings connected to the particular one you're investigating?
• Who has known about your feelings? What was their reaction to you?
• How did significant people in your life deal (or not deal) with their own insecurity?

Once you've done your history-taking, consider the times in your life where you did not feel this type of insecurity.

• What was going on at the time? Where were you? Who were you with? Did anyone witness this? What would they say about you in these moments? Really investigate the context
  
• What have the times when you felt secure shown you about your strengths? Your coping? And about your capacity to feel this way again?
  
• What would you tell yourself now, if you were closer to feeling secure?
  
• How can you feel a bit more secure, based on your life experience?
  

Accessing your wisdom about the challenges and solutions can be empowering. Having reflected in this way, what do you want to do to feel secure today?

Earlier this month I posted about tracking the physical sensations of your emotions, in particular those of anxiety and stress. So now that you know how your body expresses your emotions, what next?
• Consider jotting down some notes, bullet-points will do, about your thoughts when you notice the sensations. For example, if you feel back pain when under stress, write down your thoughts when you notice this pain. This process can provide you with some new clarity as to your personal history with an emotion, for example your normal coping with stress.
• Consider the greater context: is there something you need in this moment?
•If your need is relief of the emotion, can you stop and take care of yourself in some way? Jot down as many soothing and nurturing things as you can think of to do, and pick the most attracting one to start.
• If your need is to make a decision or to express something to someone, like where you stand on some interpersonal matter, consider how to do this. You cannot control the outcome of communication but you can do your best in being clear with the people around you.
• If you experience chronic pain or significant discomfort, draw your attention to a neutral or pleasurable sensation, such as your breath or the softness of your clothing on your skin. This attention to comfortable sensation can be combined with 'physical grounding,' for example by firmly planting your feet on the ground until your awareness of discomfort decreases.

This is a visual aid for breathing in a relatively slow, easy fashion. Simply click on the image. The slight pause between inhale and exhale is helpful in slowing heart rate, which when elevated can contribute to anxiety. Visual aids can help when we are unable to focus and need an outside tool to help us ground. Your natural breath may be different than this breath, and given that all our lungs and muscles and bodies are different; trusting your natural inclination is good.

Click here for 'Visual aid for breathing'