Trauma and Intimacy

Intimacy, meaning close connection, can be used to describe your relationship to yourself and to others. When you experience a trauma, these connections are often disrupted, and negative beliefs can occur.

Difficulty with self-intimacy can show up as changes in your ability to soothe or calm yourself. You may be afraid of being alone, and feelings of emptiness may follow. Another normal disruption to self-intimacy following trauma could be a change in your use of comforts such as food, sex, alcohol, substances, and shopping. You may feel intense needs for contact from others, and make demands in your relationships.

Difficulty with other-intimacy could feel like almost constant loneliness, even while in company. Again you may feel empty, and isolated. Formerly stable and supportive relationships may seem insufficient, and true connection may feel absent.

If you have been safe up until the trauma(s), this shock can feel devastating. The effect may be that you lose hope and have no sense of being able to cope. Your  world may look changed forever. If you have historical trauma in addition to newer events, you may find your beliefs about intimacy are confirmed: you are alone, and no one- including yourself- can help you to improve your quality of life.

It is possible to regain self-intimacy, and other-intimacy, in a healthy way.

In terms of addressing self-intimacy issues, tell yourself:

• You will not suffer forever
• You can use new skills to cope with feelings
  
• It is normal to need help in managing your reactions
  
• Your feelings may be strong and unpleasant, but they will fade over time
• You are working hard to cope and have options of how to recover from trauma

 In terms of addressing other-intimacy issues, tell yourself:

• Even though an old relationship didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean I can’t be satisfied in future relationships
  
• I can’t continue to act like everyone will betray or leave me
• I will need to take risks if I want to have relationships, but if I take it slow I will be able to have a better chance of telling if the person is trustworthy
• I may not want to be intimate with everyone I meet
• I may have lost old or new relationships who cannot meet me half-way; this is not due to my not trying, it just happens sometimes.
  

 Connection is a vital aspect of quality-of-life. If you need support in repairing your connections, or have experienced any impacts from trauma, consider talking to a therapist. You do not have to do this by yourself.