Someone I Know Was Assaulted, What Do I Do?

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It's tough to know what to do when someone you care about experiences an assault. Whether it's recent or historical, hearing that your loved one has been hurt elicits an emotional reaction, often one that comes from wanting to protect.

If you've had this experience, than you know there are at least two people hurting: you and your loved one. They key in knowing how to help is in acknowledging your needs and theirs. This can be tricky, so I have some simple suggestions on how-to.

1. Acknowledge your loved one's feelings, whatever they are, and do the same for you. If they are scared and feeling alone, name those emotions. When you can, reflect on your own emotional response. Refrain from sharing this right away with the survivor, unless you're sure it will increase how connected they feel to you.

2. Slow down. Rushing into problem-solving mode and suggestions can increase anxiety for a survivor and for you. If you have suggestions as to what to do, especially really important timely steps such as seeking medical help, make your suggestions in a calm manner, once your loved one has finished sharing.

3. Think about consent as you support your loved one. What they have survived may be creating a narrative in their mind about how little choice or power they have. Supporting them after assault ideally means providing them with as much choice as possible. Ask, rather than suggest, steps. Also take note of your choices in supporting them. What can you take on? If you yourself are a trauma-survivor, or are dealing with a heavy load in life, make sure you're consenting to the help you're trying to offer.

4. Emphasise self-care, for yourself and for your loved one. A large part of recovery is dependent on the types of choices that can be made around wellness. What's realistic for them? Calling a crisis line once a day? Seeing a counsellor? Having an extra-long shower after the kids are asleep? Whatever helps a person to feel calm and soothed is responding to the body's nervous system and is very positive for long-term healing. And for you too, what can you do to increase your feeling of resiliency?

Note: If an assault has been recent, funding for counselling and some personal items may be available from the Ministry of Justice. Ask me about how to access this program.

I hope some of these suggestions help you to feel equipped to be a caring and respectful helper. Remember, if you burn out you simply cannot help anyone (and if you do, self-care, self-care, self-care!).