What Can You Learn from Insecurity?

I cannot remember a time in my life when feelings of insecurity have not come up in conversation.

As a young woman, my peers would often talk openly about things they badly wanted: a slender body, even skin, smaller nose, and on. This expression of insecurity about one's own appearance is so normal.

Other topics reveal one's insecurities: "If I speak up will the person I care about dismiss me? Will I lose their esteem?" This could be termed insecurity of connection/relationship.

More recent conversations may sound familiar:

"She said she wanted to hang out this weekend and I haven't heard from her. Should I send another text? She didn't respond to the last one for two days. Why do I feel so crazy? She's probably thinking I'm an idiot." Feeling insecure in a relationship, and of one's self-worth.

And a final example: "I want to spend time with this person I know who is brilliantly smart, will they notice I am less brilliant? Can I hide the dull parts of myself?" This could be termed insecurity in one's wisdom and again self-worth.

Insecurity is painful. Many people feel pain or muscle tension physically when they have feelings of insecurity. Additional feelings of self-loathing, sadness, loneliness, fear, anxiety, grief, anger, and low self-worth, as seen above, can accompany insecurity.

Learning about the challenge and the solution can clarify the path to feeling secure, and be motivating.

Here is an approach I like:

When you feel insecure, still yourself, and tune into that feeling.
Give yourself a quiet moment to do a history-taking of this feeling.

• Investigate the context: When do you first remember this type of insecure feeling? What was going on at that time? How did you cope? Were there accompanying feelings?
• Think about other, subsequent experiences with this insecurity. What was happening for you then? How did you cope then? Were there accompanying feelings?
• Are there other insecure feelings connected to the particular one you're investigating?
• Who has known about your feelings? What was their reaction to you?
• How did significant people in your life deal (or not deal) with their own insecurity?

Once you've done your history-taking, consider the times in your life where you did not feel this type of insecurity.

• What was going on at the time? Where were you? Who were you with? Did anyone witness this? What would they say about you in these moments? Really investigate the context
  
• What have the times when you felt secure shown you about your strengths? Your coping? And about your capacity to feel this way again?
  
• What would you tell yourself now, if you were closer to feeling secure?
  
• How can you feel a bit more secure, based on your life experience?
  

Accessing your wisdom about the challenges and solutions can be empowering. Having reflected in this way, what do you want to do to feel secure today?